SELF-CONTROL AND LIMITS

What is Self-Control?

Self-control, in its simplest definition, means self-control.

Children are very cruel and selfish, especially in the first years of their lives. They think they are the center of the world. In this respect, they are always on the demanding side. However, being a social individual requires accepting the existence of other individuals and living in harmony with them. In order for a child to reach this acceptance and gain control over himself/herself, it is a prerequisite for him/her to acquire certain social skills:

1.Respect the rights and wishes of others,

2.Empathize,

3. To have a sense of morality and conscience,

4. To be able to express oneself verbally,

5. To be aware of one’s own worth and to have self-confidence,

6. We cannot talk about self-control and being a social individual without certain values such as helping others and acquiring cooperation skills.

Contents

• Why do we need borders?
• How should the limit be set?
• How to be a child without boundaries?
• Frequently Asked Questions

Why do we need borders?

Children are born into a world whose rules they do not know. As they grow up, what is expected of them changes and diversifies, making the situation even more difficult. It is very important to instill a sense of self-control in children at this stage. Boundaries play a very important role in this process of learning and discovery. When children get to know the world, start doing things on their own and establish new relationships, they encounter different reactions. The most important guidance they need to cope with these is clear signals. As long as the boundaries are clear and consistent, it is easy for children to understand and enforce them.

Children learn by experience where they should stand in relation to their environment. Over time, they draw inferences from their experiences and determine the degree of power and control adults have. For this, the way they follow is very effective: “Do what you want to do and watch”. All children need freedom, power and control over their own lives in order to realize and build on their competencies. Boundaries, starting from the newborn period, provide the child with the freedom, power and control they need. Although the general outlines of the boundaries are set by the parents, the child’s personality traits are an important factor in shaping the boundaries. They should also be adjusted for each age.

Boundaries are reassuring and our children expect us to set boundaries that make them feel safe and to be determined to protect them. They feel safe in areas where they know their boundaries. Meanwhile, self-control awareness develops. Because they know where and how to push the boundaries and what they will encounter. Therefore, they do not make unnecessary moves. For example, when explaining to our child who is hanging from the window why he should not hang, putting a ruler on the edge of the table and showing that if he loses balance, he will fall to the floor will be a concrete example of why he should not hang himself. By doing this, we also give the child the message that we are competent in parenting, which is a very important gift. It makes the child feel very good to have someone he/she knows he/she can turn to for support in everything.

When the boundaries we draw are wide, loose and vague, it means that in a sense there are no boundaries. Under these conditions, the child does not know what, when, how and why he/she does or should do what he/she does, so he/she is unable to gain useful experiences of real life. For example, instead of calling 5 times for him/her to come to the table every time a meal is prepared, it would be a clearer message to tell him/her why you care about eating together and to remove the table if he/she still does not come after the 2nd reminder. In addition, children who do not know where their own boundaries should end cannot be consistent in their friendships, can ignore the freedom of others and have a weak sense of responsibility. It is natural for a child who loses or damages an item to be surprised by the reaction of a friend when he/she damages the item.

Likewise, families in which boundaries are too rigid, non-negotiable and unalterable also suffer. In such families, children are not given the freedom to experiment and explore new ways and the grounds for learning are blocked. A child who is accustomed to hearing constant instructions such as “you have to go to bed at this time, you can’t go here, you can’t do that” exhibits two types of behavior: either he/she submits to everything or he/she rebels. Instead, it would be appropriate to explain the reasons for what they can and cannot do, and to create flexibility when necessary.

In order for children to develop appropriate life skills and become responsible, they need clear, balanced, consistent and clear rules. Balanced boundaries reduce the need for testing, prevent rebellion and help develop a sense of responsibility.

How should the limit be set?

• The presence of a warm, transparent, caring and consistent parent is one of the most important conditions.
• It is easier for children to accept rules in an environment where they are accepted and loved.
•           Boundaries should be set from infancy and adjusted as age progresses.
•           The importance of respecting boundaries should be made clear to children.
•         Boundaries should be flexible and changeable as needed.
•           Purposeful limits should be set. One should not say “no” to everything in order to set limits.
• The limits set should be applied consistently. It is inevitable that the child who learns that boundaries can be broken will push the boundaries in every environment.
• Unrealistic temporary solutions should not be created to save the day. Children should know that you cannot solve every problem, that you cannot defeat everyone in the world, that you cannot save the whole world.
• The cause of negative behavior should be investigated because behind every behavior lies a need, a goal or a problem.
• The cause of negative behavior should be investigated because behind every behavior lies a need, a goal or a problem.
• Involving children in setting limits helps them take ownership of the situation. The message should not be given that it is “father or mother” who sets the limit/rule.
• It is important to be a good model for children. The common attitude, general posture and behavior of the parents are the best boundary setters.
• Before the behavior occurs, remind him/her of the behavior that he/she should not do in a normal time frame. For example, if he/she wants to sleep with you and you want him/her to sleep in his/her room, tell him/her that you want him/her to sleep in his/her room at another time, not when he/she comes to you at night. That way, when he comes to you at night, you can say, “We’ve talked about this before, now you’re going to your room.”
• It is necessary to use the “I language” method of communication when talking to children. For example, when a child makes too much noise, instead of saying, “Enough, you’re making my head swell,” you can express your own feelings, such as, “Loud noise bothers me.”
• In communication with the child, you should prefer short and concise statements instead of long sentences. For example, “I don't want you to do that”.
• You need to express your ideas and keep your promises.
• Ignoring the negative behavior and remaining unresponsive or bringing up a different topic or diverting attention when the behavior occurs is often an effective way to stop the behavior.
• Do not repeat your instructions over and over again in an increasingly loud voice. Go up to your child, make eye contact and tell him/her what you want from him/her in an appropriate tone of voice.
• Tell the child what will happen if the negative behavior continues. For example, “If you keep throwing your toys on the floor, they may break”.

It should not be forgotten that self-control is very important and offering children a “very comfortable” life means “harming” them, not “benefiting” them in the long run, and nothing is unlimited and may run out one day.

How to be a child without boundaries?

•           He thinks he owns the world.                                          
•           They may be disappointed in their relationships.
•           He thinks the rules are not right.
•          Difficulties in social relationships.
•          He is highly disapproved of by his friends.
•       He/she has serious problems at school. He/she may have frequent tantrums.
•           He feels lonely.

Frequently Asked Questions